💔 Why You Can’t Let Go? The Push-Pull Trap, or Why Abusers Use to switch between Control and Kindness to Keep You Hooked

🌪 The Explosive Mix of Power Imbalance and Intermittent Rewards: How Traumatic Bonds Take Hold—and How to Break Free

There’s a reason many of us remain connected to those who cause us pain: a powerful, atomic-level reaction called traumatic bonding. First identified in the early 1980s by psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter, traumatic bonding explains why victims often cling to abusers despite the cost, out of fear of losing them.

🔥 What’s Fueling This Bond?

Two elements ignite this psychological fuse:

1. Power Imbalance
   When one person holds emotional, financial, or physical control, it sets the stage for dependency. Dutton & Painter emphasized this imbalance as the foundational precondition of traumatic bonding. Lenore Walker later popularized the idea through her "cycle of abuse," showing how dominance, tension, and calm loop endlessly—trapping victims in a cycle of hope.

2. Intermittent Reinforcement
   The abuser delivers kindness unpredictably: a damaging blow, followed by an apology or affection. Psychologically, this mirrors how intermittent reward schedules create deep attachment, harvesting a cocktail of dopamine and cortisol in the victim’s brain. A seminal study by Dutton & Painter (1993) showed that these patterns predict persistent emotional attachment long after the relationship ends.

🧠 The Body Remembers

This isn’t just emotional; it’s biological. Bonds are encoded in neurons and synapses and strengthened by chemical surges: cortisol, adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin.

Violence • Kindness • Relief

This chain rewires your survival wiring. As the body learns, it begins to confuse chaos with passion and drama with closeness.

When the pattern repeats, it becomes addictive. Breaking free becomes not just a choice, but a traumatic fracture in identity.

📉 The Long-Term Fallout

• Mental health vulnerabilities—heightened risk for PTSD, anxiety, depression

• Self-esteem erosion—victims often blame themselves

• Generational trauma—children learn these dynamics, and the cycle repeats

• Attachment wounds—future relationships suffer from fear, trust issues, or emotional numbness.

🌱 The Path to Freedom

Traumatic bonding isn't disordered logic—it's embodied trauma. Healing must engage body and brain:

1. Awareness – Name the uncanny pull. Educate to replace shame with clarity.

2. Somatic re-wiring – Movement, breath, touch—and sometimes dance—reset the nervous system.

3. Regulation-first – Calm your body's survival response before making a decision.

4. Safe relational repair – A healthy, consistent connection rewires old neural pathways.

5. Set boundaries & distance – Safe separation helps restore your structure.

✨ A Radical Hope

This bond is fierce—but not invincible. Somewhere inside, your nervous system still remembers real connection, trust, and rest. Reclaiming these isn’t romanticism—it’s your birthright.

💡 Want Guidance?

At Bailalobas, we champion embodied healing for trauma survivors. Explore holistic methods—somatic therapy, breathwork, trauma-sensitive movement, and dance-based embodiment—designed to dissolve trauma bonds and restore sovereignty.

👉 Discover our resources, meditations, and embodied practices at bailalobas.com/blog

Reclaim your power. Re-root your rhythm. Traumatic love doesn’t get to define you.