it is not her!
Who holds responsibility for abuse?
It’s an age-old question.
And one that, under the comfy lullaby of patriarchy, many have until very recently answered—wholeheartedly, or somewhat blindly—with a resounding yes… she is to blame! Why did she stay so long or return there?
Let’s unpack this.
Abuse is intricately linked to power. Power that, to this day, remains unevenly distributed between men and women. This imbalance shows up clearly in legal systems—when the abuser is male, his influence (and tactics) can sway court proceedings. It shows in the way some males (and sometimes females with internalized misogyny) judge, disbelieve, and dismiss women’s stories as fabricated or exaggerated.
This same power dynamic creeps into personal and professional spaces, too. We have all witnessed how many powerful men—when rightfully confronted with their wrongdoings—have tried to discredit movements like #MeToo. Moreover, it’s still considered acceptable—and it happens—that a male client says to a woman, “Give me your lowest possible price,” while the reverse scenario remains almost unthinkable.
In interpersonal relationships, and especially in traditional cultural contexts, it is still disturbingly “normal” for men to be rebellious, authoritarian, unfaithful, or abusive—while women are expected to turn a blind eye, normalize the behaviour, and pretend it doesn’t exist altogether, regardless of its deadening impact.
These double standards are deeply damaging to the female psyche. And unless there is deep psychotherapeutic work done, the woman risks being gaslit into staying with her abuser—not only by him but by her entire environment. Her loved ones, often unknowingly, urge her to remain because they, too, operate within the matrix of a patriarchal world. A world that not only needs to start valuing women and their contributions equally but must also begin holding men more accountable for the subtle and overt ways they continue to violate women's rights.
Only then can girls and women everywhere internalize the truth:
A woman who is a victim of domestic abuse is not the problem.
Even though it may be convenient—for the perpetrator or certain social circles—to believe or claim otherwise, she is not the problem.
It’s time we collectively stop expecting women to undertake duties like child labour and also carry the emotional labour of the insecure, underdeveloped masculine.
It’s time we stop blaming them for the abuse they suffer.
It’s time we create real space and opportunity for women to emancipate themselves—without still being punished by unequal pay, family guilt, ignorance, and lack of the proper support or the constant undermining of their worth and work.
It’s time, too, to soften and emotionalize masculinity so that men—instead of dumping their unprocessed emotions onto their partners like dirty laundry for their mothers to wash—pause, reflect, and take responsibility.
So, they don’t unconsciously (or consciously) harm yet another woman.
If you want to see an insightful video on this topic, please watch the Dutch movie “She seems to be the problem“ (Zij lijkt het probleem te zijn”).
