Support or Sabotage? The Kind of “Help” Survivors Can Do Without
When a beloved mother, sister, daughter, or friend is caught in the web of a coercively controlling relationship, the natural instinct of family and friends is to do something—anything—to save her. Yet too often, these efforts, though well-meaning, fall painfully short. Why?
Not because of a lack of love.
But because of a lack of understanding.
The Invisibility of Coercive Control
Physical abuse leaves bruises. Emotional abuse and coercive control leave scars you can’t see—yet those wounds run far deeper. They fracture identity, isolate the victim, sabotage her confidence, and often lead to years—even decades—trapped in toxic, dead-end dynamics.
Coercive control operates silently. It robs women of:
Their autonomy
Their sense of self
Their safety, mobility, and voice
And because the abuse isn’t loud or bloody, it goes unnoticed. Often, even dismissed. Survivors are left to silently mourn the slow erasure of their dreams, their friendships, their spark for life.
# 1 “Help” Survivors Don’t Need: Useless Advice & Judgment
“If it’s that bad—why don’t you just leave?”
“Why didn’t you leave sooner?”
“If I were you, I’d be long gone!”
Stop.
These statements are not helpful. They are damaging, shaming, and re-traumatizing. They reinforce a myth that abuse is easy to escape—that leaving is a simple act of willpower.
In truth, coercive control hijacks the nervous system. It disables decision-making. It instills paralysis. According to experts like Evan Stark and Judith Herman, leaving a coercively controlling partner is a process, not a single moment of action.
What to do instead?
→ Educate yourself on coercive control and trauma bonding.
→ Avoid blaming or oversimplifying.
→ Ask, “How can I support you best right now?”
# 2 “Help” Survivors Don’t Need: Infantilization
Another common misstep: Treating survivors like helpless children.
When someone finally opens up about abuse, don’t respond with condescension masked as concern:
“It’s not that bad.”
“He’s a good guy deep down.”
“No relationship is perfect.”
These comments invalidate the survivor’s reality. They discourage disclosure. They suggest she’s “too emotional,” “too dramatic,” or simply incapable of understanding her own experience.
Instead, affirm her reality. Listen without rushing to “fix.” Ask:
→ “What do you need?”
→ “What feels supportive to you right now?”
This approach respects her autonomy—something abuse has already stripped away.
# 3 “Help” Survivors Don’t Need: Moral Guilt or Scarcity Thinking
Please don’t say:
“Think about the kids.”
“What will people say?”
“Who will love you now—divorced and with children?”
Statements like these don’t prompt change. They paralyze.
Survivors are already burdened with guilt and shame, often implanted by the abuser. They don’t need more fear. They need clarity, safety, and support to rebuild their lives—on their own terms.
What truly helps? Rebuilding their self-worth and sense of possibility. Counter the lies they've been told with truth:
→ “You are lovable.”
→ “You have options.”
→ “You’re not alone.”
What Survivors Need Instead: Support that Empowers
If you want to actually help someone escaping gender-based violence:
✅ Validate her experience.
Believe her. That alone is revolutionary.
✅ Respect her agency.
Support her decisions—even if they differ from what you would do.
✅ Rebuild confidence, not doubt.
Abuse tells her she’s worthless. You remind her she’s powerful.
✅ Connect her to trauma-informed resources.
Support networks, legal aid, women’s shelters, therapy—these are the bridges to freedom.
Final Thoughts
The road to healing from gender-based violence is long, messy, nonlinear—and sacred. Survivors don’t need saviors. They need informed allies who can walk beside them without judgment, without control, and without conditions.
If you want to be a good helper, remember this truth:
Healing begins when survivors feel seen, heard, and believed.
Let’s start there.
